From Batty-Rida to Thigh-Diva

or
Bottoms Up
There is a 'youf’ fashion phenomena that you just got to have noticed if you live anywhere near a big town or urban city in the UK. You must have noticed it because its right there in your face and a bit of a cheek (pun fully intendedAndYouWillSeeWhat-I-meanLata) Young boys and girls shuffling around wearing the most uncomfortable looking excuse-for-pants. The 'He'; of the species will invariably have a nattily orientated baseball cap on. The 'She' will have tattoos and/or face studs and/or rings and/or multicoloured hair extensions/weaves, etc. He will have at least one hood (up or down optional) to his many layers of bootleg-designer tracksuit (tracki) tops ... And no I am not going to be down on hoodies, and join the righteously indignant lynchmob baying for their blood. I want to talk to you about BOTTOMS!

The phenomena to which I refer relates to the fact that this tribe of young boysNgirls are walking around with the top of their traki bottoms pulled down and somehow kind-a-perilously hangin-lo from their upper thighs. The crotch (vertical height from inner leg to top of shoe) of these special youf pants are cut so low that it allows very little opportunity for them to execute a normal-length stride; so they walk by doing a cross between a Geisha girl shuffle and Emperor-penguin hobble. Each forward step is pendulem perfect, side to side rocking motion. It is the most comical walking gaite you will ever see.

Now I am completely impressed by an amazing, some might say miraculous, balancing act that they pull-off, swaddled in this bondaged leggings contraption because these guys (and to be honest they are mainly guys) somehow balance their pants midway between their bum and their knees, which means that to all intent and purpose they are mostly walking around with their privates dangling above their pants instead of in their pants. They wear extremely long T shirts that I guess are meant to cover the crack in their assholes or maybe even their private parts. Anyway: they will take a few steps and then pull their pants up a bit, (not a lot just enugh to settle it back mid thigh) walk a few more steps and hitch up their pants again.

The funniest thing is to see them run (if you can call it that) their running action comprises a quick burst of straight legged tiny steps, punctuated by a little hop as they quickly hitch-back-up-their pants; then another little burst of mini steps. If you haven't seen these guys in motion you probably think I am exaggerating? I'm not! They really do do this. I have a theory about why they take these tiny steps and daren’t bend their knees, and it is because if they made a fully fledged stride they would rip the crutch out of their pants, If they bent their knees then they would stress the fabric and catapult their pants past their knees to their ankles; and lets face it, that would be embarrassing for the poor loves... Innit?

I went into town yesterday and was standing on the platform waiting for a train to come in and all of a sudden I saw this 6”5 youf He couldn't have been more than 13 or 14 years old but an enormous youf enormous, not fat just well. ... really big, and you could tell that he was only a 'babby'. And the poor thing was Hop-Skip-and hobbling his way down the stairs to the platform. The trousers that he was wearing must have been made on a 5”6 tailors-dummy because the poor lad could barely move his feet from one step down to the next. He was clearly in some measure of discomfort, but he valiantly soldiered on, having to pull his pants up every other step. The thing is that he would only pull his pants up as far as his bloody mid thighs even though there was ruffled trouser draped around his shoe, enough to pull them up to his bum at least, if he chose to. It was at this point that I thought: Here we have the definition of a fashion victim, personified... Innit?

I remember only a few years back when the progenitor of this style, "ghetto hipster/battyriders, crossed the Atlantic from the good ol’ USA. It was basically baggy pants hitched so far down the hips to show off the white Calvin Kleins with the CK label on full view. This then progressed to pants pulled down only as far as the crack in their bum or the protuberance of their front bulges, but that was then and o so long ago. This years gutter (sorry) ghetto fashion is to wear (lets call them penguin pants) belowBattyBulge, hitched on mid thigh. I guess next year we will see them hobbling around with their pants around their ankles and wearing a dress/kaftan/kilt to cover their unmentionables.

These are the ‘Youfs’, B boys and their girls called Biatches. And if you haven't encountered this phenomena as yet, do not fret ‘cause they will be appearing in your town or a town near you very soon... Innit

Tomorrow I want to talk about the ‘G-string-Thong-Thing You know? The Knicker-on-show-down-below Lower-and-lowering-still-belt-line’ Defined and adopted by the female of this fascinating specie. I will be speculating How low their drawers are likely to go.